The long summer vacation is coming to an end, and many parents are relieved. "It’s finally liberated!" For them, the experience of fighting with "Xiong Haizi" during the holiday is no easier than going to work.
According to psychologists, every holiday is a period of high incidence of parent-child conflicts. In fact, this is an important part of education. As parents, we should know how to seize the opportunity and guide the situation.
Children are not sensible.
Parents lack the awareness of cultivating social people.
Wen Fang, director of the Beijing Psychological Counseling Center for Primary and Secondary Schools, said that during the non-holiday period, parents are busy at work and children are busy at school, and there is not much time for contact and communication with each other. During the holidays, many parents will take a special leave of absence in order to spend time with their children and enjoy a harmonious parent-child time. However, this intimate contact has made parents discover many unsatisfactory places in their children. Many parents who come to the counseling center for help have a headache for their children’s hospitality.
Some parents confide that they don’t know why their children are so ignorant. When guests come, things at home don’t make people move at all. Even because I moved my own things, I directly beat out the children brought by the other party. Other parents ask for help. When a guest comes to the house, the child hides in the room and is unwilling to communicate with others. Both parents doubt whether the child has depression.
Wen Fang said that parents who have this kind of trouble should first cultivate their children’s sense of ownership, so that they can feel that they are the masters of the family and have a certain sense of responsibility. "With the sense of ownership, he can give some attention to people who come home. Otherwise, the child will think that the person who came is looking for my father to find my mother, which has nothing to do with me. " In addition, with the sense of ownership, there will be a certain sense of "sharing" and "sacrifice". "I am the master of the family and have to take care of the guests."
On this basis, parents should also pay attention to instilling in their children the awareness and habits of being civilized and polite in peacetime. "Adults should be taught manners such as how to address when they come and how to say goodbye when they leave." In Wen Fang’s view, this is actually an important educational link for children to develop from natural persons to social persons.
At the same time, after receiving the guests, parents should give timely summary guidance: how did they just perform and what can be improved … … "Point out the problem must be timely, because children are emotional. Why did you do this at that time? Children remember it best. In a few days, it is no longer educational to turn over the old accounts when the children forget. "
It’s not just parents who are upset. Many children also feel very headache about getting along with their parents day and night. "What I want to buy and what I want to do is not free at all, and my parents have to intervene in everything." Wen Fang said that this actually reflects a common problem. Parents take more care of their children and have less development training. In the process of consultation, it is found that many parents often regard their children as a caring object, rather than a member of the family. "To put it more seriously, it is to regard the child as a very fragile treasure and put it at home to look after it. However, the child is ungrateful. Because looking after it, there is bound to be no freedom, and the child is of course unhappy. "
Wen Fang introduced that in this case, many parents are prone to autocracy. "Everything is arranged by me, and everything is my final say." In this way, the child’s emotional changes will not be taken into account. "Now children have a strong sense of independence. When parents are authoritarian, they will resist and contradictions will come out."
In Wen Fang’s view, during the holidays, parents should not only take care of their children’s food and drink needs as natural persons, but also have certain training and guidance to help them integrate into society and family, play their role at home, enhance their family awareness and promote their further transformation into social people.
Children don’t want to go to school.
Parents help their children find their sense of being students.
With the approach of school, the problem of "school phobia" began to emerge. "It’s time to start school. Many children are afraid to go to school because they haven’t finished their homework or because they have a bad relationship with teachers and classmates." Wen also came into contact with some exaggerated cases. A second-grade child couldn’t hear the word "start school" at home, and he trembled when he heard it.
In contrast, there are children who are extremely looking forward to the start of school. Before the start of school, they are eager to contact their classmates. Parents who came to ask for help reported that they often couldn’t find their mobile phones at night, only to find that they were secretly taken to bed by their children and chatted with their classmates on WeChat overnight.
In this regard, Wen Fang suggested that the most important thing for parents at this time is to help their children find the feeling of being a student. In terms of work and rest, try to be close to the school, for example, arrange a certain time every day, let the children concentrate on reading and writing homework, and collect their hearts properly. In addition, we should also pay attention to regulating children’s emotions, especially for freshmen, junior high school students and senior high school students who want to enter the new collective. Parents should pay special attention to children’s emotional counseling and guide them to prepare and connect in advance.
During this time, parents can also let their children’s emotions have an appropriate catharsis. For example, let their children find good friends to meet and chat before the start of school. "This way, it will not be too exciting for old friends to meet each other. At that time, the enthusiasm is too much, and you may not be interested in listening in class. " With catharsis in advance, when the school starts, you can smoothly transition to the normal class.
Wen Fang believes that in the remaining half a month or so, parents should also guide their children to make up for the lesson of family, so that children can feel their sense of responsibility at home.
Children’s psychological rebellion
Parents learn to use "other children" skillfully.
Many parents report that their children seem to be particularly rebellious during the holidays. Liu Weibing, an associate professor in the Department of Youth Work of China Youth University for Politics, pointed out that treason is actually a kind of resistance and doubt when he was a guest in Beijing City Radio "Face to Face Education". Generally speaking, children begin to enter puberty at the age of twelve or thirteen, but in fact, at the age of seven to nine, children’s sense of independence begins to sprout, and they begin to disagree with the rules formulated by adults. "What do parents sometimes think of underage children? In fact, I think that sometimes parents and teachers must listen to children’s reasonable ideas and grow up with them to avoid adult preconceptions. "
Song Shaowei, an expert in adolescent psychology and deputy director of Tsinghua University Happiness Science and Technology Laboratory, said that the main reason for children’s rebellion was that they suddenly discovered that one day their parents were not as authoritative and tall as they thought when they were young, so they began to complain about their parents. At this time, it is particularly important for parents not to turn themselves into invincible parents who are always right, but to admit and accept what they have done wrong. As children grow older, we should give them the right to speak, solicit their opinions when making decisions, and pay attention to their inner demands.
In Song Shaowei’s view, two kinds of family environment tend to make children’s rebellion stronger: one is a family that is too indulgent and dotes on children in the process of raising. The children in this family are overindulged since childhood, all kinds of needs are fully met, there are basically no rules at home, and there are many problems in school. Children are completely deformed at home and difficult to control at school. The second category is over-educated families, especially those whose parents are engaged in certain occupations, which are the hardest hit areas. For example, parents who work in the fields of justice, accounting and education are prone to problems. Influenced by their careers, these parents often can’t rub sand in their eyes when disciplining their children. "Let’s talk about teachers, because I have seen too many good children, and it is easy to find problems when I see my own children, which leads to strict discipline." Song Shaowei said that it is impossible to discipline children too loosely or too strictly, and moderation is the key.
Then, compared with other stages, what are the priorities of education for rebellious and adolescent children? Liu Weibing said that in the face of children at this stage, parents should be positively motivated. What is positive motivation? He cited the movie Looking Up as an example. In the movie, Ma Fei’s test scores were from the bottom to the bottom, and his father said, "It’s very good, it’s improved, and it ranks two places ahead." "This is positive motivation. People are moving forward step by step, and it is impossible to fly in one step, so parents should gradually open their children’s potential. " Liu Weibing told reporters.
Song Shaowei suggested using "other people’s children" skillfully. "Now, many parents often use ‘ Other people’s children ’ Suppressing one’s own children not only fails to achieve the purpose of education, but also causes children’s rebellion. Actually, ‘ Other people’s children ’ It can be an external force to promote children’s progress. The key is what parents say. " He introduced that if "other people’s children" are better than their own children, they can say, "Yes, you are doing better and better now, and you will soon surpass someone." If "other people’s children" are not as good as their own children, you can say, "You are much better than others now, but keep it up." This way to communicate with children, on the one hand, children will see their own advantages and have more confidence in themselves; On the other hand, we will also see the gap between ourselves and excellent "others", so that we can not only agree with ourselves now, but also have the courage to work hard for ourselves better.
Song Shaowei believes that children’s "rebellion" does not disappear naturally with age. Only when children realize that their parents’ love for them is sincere and everything they do is for their own good, will this emotion gradually weaken. At the same time, when children see that their parents are no longer the strong ones who control everything from high above, but the "weak ones" who need to be loved, the "rebellion" of their parents in their hearts will really disappear. (Reporter Niu Weikun Photo courtesy of Xinhua News Agency)